Sex Talk A-Z with Shiloh Hobby Love Your O......This week... B for oh boy BDSM!

Explore the depths of self-expression with Shiloh as we cast a light on the misunderstood world of BDSM. This episode isn't just a discussion; it's an invitation to redefine self-acceptance and uncover the vibrancy of our sensuality as we age. Music, dance, and the pulse of life itself guide us through a journey that promises to shatter stereotypes and reveal the rich tapestry of human sexuality. Get ready to challenge your notions of BDSM, as we navigate through the importance of consent, communication, and the varied landscapes of pleasure and power play.

Venture beyond the veil of misconceptions with tales from the dungeon to the dance floor, where discipline meets delight. We share personal anecdotes and tips on how to safely explore the dynamics of bondage and impact play, stressing the significance of boundaries. From 'brats' to aftercare, we dissect the subtleties that make BDSM an empowering experience. Shiloh and I encourage embracing the diversity of sexuality with an open mind, whether it's through rope classes or understanding the nuances of sex club etiquette.

Lastly, we champion the empowering journey of self-love and coaching, particularly for women, fostering a dialogue on personal growth that extends well beyond the bedroom. The conversation culminates with a teaser on the mysterious anatomy of the internal clitoris, setting the stage for a future deep-dive into this enthralling subject. Join us for an episode that not only entertains and enlightens but also inspires a celebration of your own sensuality in bold new ways.

#shilohhobby #LoveYourO #bdsm #kink #kinkversations #LIVES #sexpositive #sexandlearning

12/30/23

Chapters

• 0:00 Exploring BDSM and Sensuality
• 5:35 Exploring BDSM
• 19:34 Exploring BDSM and Sexual Play
• 28:58 Debunking Misconceptions About BDSM
• 43:47 Importance of BDSM Aftercare
• 50:05 Empowerment and Self-Love Coaching
• 58:43 Exploring the Internal Clitoris

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:44

Make sure it says everything's going live.

Speaker 2: 0:49

I don't know why I pretend I don't have any glasses. I want to be like the little lady with these glasses, with my readers on.

Speaker 1: 0:56

Okay, you can have your readers on. Hey, listen, we're old, we love it.

Speaker 2: 1:03

The alternative is not an option. Yeah, no, no.

Speaker 1: 1:12

We're all going to grow old, we're all going to age, so we need to think that we're not going to stay young forever, right, and we're going to change. Our bodies are going to change Everything.

Speaker 2: 1:25

Yes, very true. We just have to love ourselves how we are.

Speaker 1: 1:30

All we can do. Let me just make sure you are live. I'm making sure because I didn't think I was live last and I wasn't like, oh my God, All right. So today we're back here with Shiloh. This is Stephanie with let's talk about sex with me, Stephanie Smith. And this with Shiloh. This is Stephanie with let's Talk About Sex With me, Stephanie Smith. And this is Shiloh. Hobby with Love your Own, Hello Shiloh.

Speaker 2: 1:55

Hi everybody. How are you today, stephanie?

Speaker 1: 1:59

I am fabulous, I'm awesome. Honestly, I'm going to tell you a little story. I went last night my girlfriend sorry, there's like a little cough thing going on, I guess I have a little one last night I go out with my girlfriend. She invited me, she's doing a concert, I go to listen to her, she's fabulous. And, um, I just got my booty on, but it was everyone, was pretty much over 50 there. I mean, that's pretty much. I mean maybe there were a couple of young kids, but of the, you know, so it's an over 50 community. Everyone was rocking out, having fun and of course I people called me the teenager. I guess I looked like a teenager because I was totally dancing and up, and that's just me. And I will tell you, it's interesting how sometimes people just sit there and they just don't move. There's no movement and to me, just music moves me. It moves me. I hear music and it's like I'm dancing. I could be walking somewhere, hear music and I'm dancing In the grocery aisle.

Speaker 1: 3:11

I have done that.

Speaker 2: 3:13

I listen to the music Because they rock out in the grocery store now, although I will say you know it used to make me feel old. But I realized that they do play newer music now in grocery stores, so it's not just like the older music, they kind of play everything. Yeah, so I absolutely rock out in the grocery stores. So it's not just like the older music, they kind of play everything.

Speaker 1: 3:31

Yeah so.

Speaker 2: 3:32

I absolutely rock out in the grocery store. I do too, yeah.

Speaker 1: 3:35

And I don't you know, and I'm in the car, I'm dancing and I, like, my friend has a strobe light in her car and that's like we. That's the thing. So to me, we got to move people, people, people, people. Let's move. So today's movement, which is going to be fun Cause we're going to have an interesting movement- that's not what the M stands for, stephanie. No, no, no BDSM.

Speaker 2: 4:17

Yeah, the big B. That's not what M stands for Cause. Right, we're doing A to Z. Thank you, shiloh, we are, but I'm just saying the M in BDSM does not stand for movement.

Speaker 1: 4:23

No, anyways, but you know, so tell me. You know BDSM a lot of. Let's just get some of these kind of crazy things in our heads out of the way. A lot of people think that BDSM is just for people who have, who are mentally unstable that's not true or have trauma issues.

Speaker 2: 4:48

That's not true, Very untrue, you know.

Speaker 1: 4:51

Basically I would say to myself.

Speaker 2: 4:55

Why don't we explain?

Speaker 1: 4:56

Why don't we start off with what is?

Speaker 2: 4:58

BDSM. So BDSM stands for bondage discipline, masochism and sadism. And bondage discipline kind of what it sounds like. Sadism is going to be the person that likes to inflict the pain and the masochist is the person that likes to receive the pain. And you know yes, I'm sure that there probably are people. I mean, we all have traumas, so let's just go ahead and say that. But trauma doesn't have anything to do with BDSM, it's just another form of sexuality. It's, I would call it, it's the next playground and you know, you can start off with BDSM pretty lightly. I mean, you know, if you've ever brought a blindfold into the bedroom or tied your wrist with you know, tied your partner's wrist with you know a tie or something you've done. Bdsm, yeah.

Speaker 1: 5:57

You know, I mean, yeah, I think that people don't realize that like handcuffs, a little necktie with a little tie, just something as simple as that with a little tying, just something as simple as that. So the range here is very broad and there's so much that encompasses. We will certainly not be covering it all today, but we're just going to pick it a little bit. So let's start with the first one bondage and discipline, or you know, or what do you want to, however? Domination, however you, or submission, however you want to say. But let's talk about bondage. What is, what are all the different types of bondages that are out there?

Speaker 2: 6:38

So I mean in regards to bondage, it generally means you know, like just some type of restraint and I will say you know. In regards to BDSM, I will say you know, in regards to BDSM, your imagination is kind of the limit. You know, you and your partner get to explore however you want to bind, you know, put your partner into bondage. You know, or experience that bondage for yourself. You know whether it be chivalry, which is role play. You know, or you know, something extreme as far as like a St Christopher's cross, which is that X cross and people are up on.

Speaker 2: 7:16

I've seen that, or handcuffs you know, so it could be. You know all different levels, you know I mean some people break out the zip ties because that's what they're into you know, so it just depends on what your level is. But bondage is going to be bondage. You're bonded, you're, you're binding in some way, right?

Speaker 1: 7:38

And when. Thank you for making me actually do some research on this stuff, cause I'm enjoying it, I love it, it it is actually there's so much, there's so much, there's so much. So let me just explain some of the things that I've seen.

Speaker 2: 7:54

Yeah, what did you?

Speaker 1: 7:55

find Well what I've seen out there in the world, because my degree was in minor in human sexuality, so I wanted to see everything.

Speaker 2: 8:06

And you're in the perfect place for it all too. I will say.

Speaker 1: 8:09

I was in San Francisco. I honestly, it was just honestly the most beautiful place and to be able to experience all this stuff. So I went to this thing called. What they called is the Power Exchange. They have one in San Francisco and they have one in LA, I don't know if they're still there. They're multi-level facilities, so multiple floors and each floor means something, and so the bondage floor, the BDSM or any of the, what they noted as like anything it was pretty much what they labeled as crazy was we had wheels, that you could go a woman could go on and spin.

Speaker 1: 8:56

It's a spin wheel. They had doctor's tables, the gynecological tables, up. They had their feet up in there. They had that going on. They had their feet up in there. They had that going on. They had the swings, the sex swings, hanging from the ceiling. They had all different kinds of those. That was awesome, yeah, it was crazy.

Speaker 1: 9:26

The places that you could put someone to then tie them up. Us, we'll do it in our bedroom, right, we're going to do it in our bedroom, a hotel room, a chair, things like that. So using ropes, you know, or any kind of ties you know, is good, yeah. So my point is, though, that it is kind of crazy how far the mind can go, cause I mean seeing all that stuff for my first time, it was like holy crap, like really yeah, and I did get into, I did go to see it. I was. I didn't go, obviously, watch anything, but I went to observe. They had dungeons in a basement and they created just cement. It was just cement walls with you know things to tie your arms up, your legs, any, any kind of way to tie all over the room, any kind of way to tie all over the room, so they actually have places. If you want to get tied up and have BDSM to happen to you, you can go to these places.

Speaker 2: 10:34

Absolutely, and I mean you know. And to your and to your points, I mean you know really it's to find these places. You know it can be as easy as looking. You know you can look online. Obviously the Internet's full of things, but I know, like within the meetup I want to say it's meetup there is. I'm in, I'm in the Austin area and I know here like there's some rope classes and such like that that you can go to. I also know of, like, the different clubs. I went to a kink fest at one of the sex clubs here and like you're describing you know it was, it was interesting. I mean, you know, just in regards to BDSM, can we just talk about one thing and that's boundaries.

Speaker 2: 11:17

Yeah, BDSM has some boundaries.

Speaker 1: 11:21

There's rules. That's a whole rule talk.

Speaker 2: 11:23

Yeah, there's a lot of rules and you know, like, even going to these different clubs there's a lot of rules Like you can watch, but you don't, you know. But generally there's a taped off area and you have to stay behind the line and there is people, there are people that are walking around making sure that you are not invading that play place.

Speaker 1: 11:46

So you know. That's a good point that you point out, because one there's not. You have to know the rules. Number one to be able to play BDSM with your partner. You really need to have that conversation. But definitely, if you're going to go and explore, like we do, you definitely need to know the rules, because there are rules and you will get kicked out in a hot minute, but it's also it's a boundary thing. So don't just think like you get to go in there and start just touching everybody.

Speaker 2: 12:15

Well, it's safety. I mean, nobody wants to be. You know, it's one thing to be touched by the person that you want to be touched by, and then you know that other part where you know it's not, you know it's all consensual.

Speaker 1: 12:28

Yes, yes, yeah. So let's get back to the rope part, because I love that that you have courses there in your area.

Speaker 2: 12:33

There are courses I know I totally want to take one.

Speaker 1: 12:36

I think that's great, actually. Well, that's why I'm going to tell you, because I, just as you made, as I did, this um, there's Shibari yes, s H I, b A R I ties, and this was created. I wanted to know why was the Shibari originated? How was it? And it was originated back. It's a restraining method for captives in a form of torture, so back in the day in Japan, and then they got this kumbuka, kumbuka, bondage, k-i-n-b-a-q-u and it translates to the beauty of tight binding. And that's actually really cool, because I don't, I've been tied up in a shibari type of a tie, did not know that that was the type of tie.

Speaker 1: 13:30

I've been tied up in other ways, just the normal vanilla way, if we will, hands, handcuffs, you know, bed sheets, whatever, but I will say that a shibari tie when I, I, I, you know we had that. No, I'm like, I have anxiety issues, I have, you know, like I, I, claustrophobia issues. So to me, tying is very hard for sometimes, for for people, especially if you have these types of issues. So, one, it's a breathing that you have to do and second, it's really that communication with your partner. If it's not tight and you don't, if you say get me out of this right now. It's not, oh well, we're almost done. No, no, no, no, no. It's get me out of it right now, right now, because I'm gonna fucking lose my shit. Yes, um, and I will say that that and I had both hands, I mean everything tied behind my back and tight in the waist, because shibari can go in the waist and the legs, everything Extremely erotic. And now could I do it today? No, that was like 20 years ago.

Speaker 2: 15:02

Oh, you mean that was when you were younger and more flexible, is what you're saying.

Speaker 1: 15:06

Well, and a little bit more. Like I could, you know, deal with that kind of shit, but there's no way now.

Speaker 2: 15:13

Right.

Speaker 1: 15:15

And here's the thing, Like I think, when you're tying people up like I you know I've played enough, Okay People who have claustrophobia issues, you just don't have to. You don't have to. You can have one hand out, you can have it loose, so you can get yourself out really quickly.

Speaker 2: 15:35

Whatever, right, I think that you know. I think that the most important thing that people really need to take away from you know, thinking about BDSM, it is very structured in terms of rules. You very much. You have to have that, you know. You know my favorite word communication, right, I mean, you have to, you have to talk to your partners. There's actually a test that you can take to determine what your kinks are and what kind of things you're interested in.

Speaker 2: 16:06

And it's at yes, it's at bdsmtestorg. Okay, we'll post it on the link. Yeah, we'll put that in the, we'll put that in the notes for everyone to go out and and take your and go out and take your, your test Cause, yes, and see, yes, and see where you're at, see where you fall on your levels of kinkiness. Well, tell us about it. I have taken it. It's been a moment since I've taken it, but it's very interesting. It really does go through. It goes through all of the kinks and just kind of asks you like on a scale, you know, on a scale like how do you feel about this?

Speaker 2: 16:46

And then at the end they give you a ranking and says you know, well, this is where you're at, you know? Are you a switch? Are you a submissive? Do you want to be a slave? Do you want to be a brat? Do you want to be? Where do you fall on this level of things that you like? Do you like poppy play? Nice? There's BDSM captures, a lot of different things. So those are just some fun terms.

Speaker 1: 17:08

That's really cool, because, yeah, I didn't. I've never heard of all those.

Speaker 2: 17:12

Oh my gosh, you have to go and take it.

Speaker 1: 17:14

Yeah, I'm going to go take it and um, and then I'll post how about next week? Um, or let's do another little short little pre-record video and we'll talk about our kinks and just share it with the audience. I don't care, I mean I'm cool with it, um, if you're not, I mean I'll just do a live and I'll do it. I never. Here's the one thing. Here's my takeaway. I could give a rat's ass about what people think about me. I can't, I could give a shit, and that's why I continue to do my podcast and I continue to show up for myself. No one's pushing me to do this. I don't do this for anybody but me.

Speaker 2: 17:56

Right, I mean it's, it's the education piece. You know, that's what I love about it all it's educating, you know we're just here to we're here to help people learn and you know people are interested in this. That's why you're watching. That's why you're watching you know, okay.

Speaker 1: 18:09

So let's, we got into the the knots, let's get cause. I want to be able to cover all of it and not be hours on this, but, um, so we got the Shibari ties. Okay, I just, I'm sorry, that's just not my forte.

Speaker 2: 18:32

Some of these terms are definitely you know. I go to Google and say, how do I say this?

Speaker 1: 18:38

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Well, I know, but I'm like eh, okay, so the next one is and so we've talked about bondage and we did talk about rules, which calls, you know, goes with discipline. What about domination and submission? So being a dominant and submissive?

Speaker 2: 18:56

We didn't necessarily talk about discipline. You know we talked about rules, but we didn't talk about discipline. Well, let's talk about discipline. Let's talk about discipline because it's not the same as rules, Because rules we're talking about like in terms of this is what you like, this is what you don't like, this is what I'm, this is what I'm willing to do.

Speaker 1: 19:16

You know, that's your rules.

Speaker 2: 19:17

You know, setting that safe yes, a safe word is important, is important. But when it comes to discipline, discipline is kind of thinking of it as discipline. This is what you get. This is what you get for not doing something. You know it's, it's the discipline piece, so it's, it might be you know that your partner is telling you that you can't orgasm. You have to hold it, you have to hold back on your orgasm, and they kind of just wait it out. So it's, it might be a spanking, it might be, you know, but discipline is.

Speaker 1: 19:52

So there's a, there's like something that happens. So basically you're like, you're going, I'm going to tie you up or, if you want to be, tied up or something like that you, you can't have an orgasm, or I'm going to tie you up. Or if you want to be tied up or something like that, you, you can't have an orgasm, or I'm going to tie you up and you can't have an orgasm, things like that.

Speaker 2: 20:07

So there's like a where you know, they perceive, you know or you know when it comes to. You know. I mentioned, you know before I mentioned brats and in the BDSM world a brat is basically you know, a brat like in the terms of exactly how you think of, you think of somebody that's a brat, they're a brat. So they're not necessarily listening. They talk back a lot. Discipline is coming for them.

Speaker 2: 20:34

They like to be disciplined. They know that when they're sassy and they do whatever it is that they're going to do, that you know irritates. You know that when they go against those things that they're, that their person. You know theirates. You know that when they go against those things that they're that their person, you know their master, their person, daddy, whomever you want to call him, is doing or her. You know both ways, cause, just keep in mind, you know gender, doesn't? Gender is very fluid in this. Yeah, there is not a gender role that's assigned to any of this.

Speaker 1: 21:03

It can go either way, right? No, it can be either way, yeah, yeah, so I mean discipline, you know, is it's interesting? Because I guess I would have to say that I've had more vanilla BDSM. Okay, oh, I have, definitely, because mainly just, you know, tie up little, you know the.

Speaker 1: 21:21

Handcuffs and the blindfold, the you know, the teasing of a whip or something like that. So a little smackety smack with my you know, whatever Right, but I've never. I guess, because most people are like, oh my God, yeah, I don't like any pain. I'm like, oh no, I'm not going to and I don't want to be hurting people. You know, it's not my idea to hurt people. However, when I was in college they brought that into class. So that was what my that's why I love my coursework was because they brought this shit in class.

Speaker 1: 21:58

So the BDSM day the guy came in buttless chaps, no shirt. Well, he had to come in because he had to walk through campus. So he came in clothed and then broke out into buttless chaps, some kind of a cock hold with a key and all that it was on a key chain like a lock key and all that it was on a key chain like a lock. Um, he had a mask on, tied in the back and locked, so he couldn't even do anything and his hands tied behind his back and we couldn't see his eyes. Only he had a mouth. That was it. It was just the craziest shit, okay.

Speaker 1: 22:39

And then he had the ball in the mountain. You know the ball, the gag, yes. Then he had the ball in the mountain. You know the ball, the gag, yes, the gag. So I was like now this is in class, by the way, yes, and his partner, and they loved all this. So he was smacking him and, you know, whipping him in his ass and live show and got the candle out, lit the candle, got the wax, doing it all over the body, cause that's a form of teasing and like play and bondage. Um, did it all over the nipples, you know, like the fire, a little bit of fire on the bot. I mean, it was everything.

Speaker 2: 23:15

Right.

Speaker 1: 23:16

So many different things in that one session that I'd never seen and I've never done since, but it's been, it's interesting. So, like I'm saying, it came. The gamma is so big.

Speaker 2: 23:28

Yes, like you said, you know, it can be something as simple as handcuffs and a blindfold and some candle wax and a candle get a safe candle, get one of them that are made for for it. You don't need to do that. You don't need to do the wax.

Speaker 1: 23:39

I mean you know, yeah, yeah, exactly Exactly. But you know, I mean, how cool is that, right? I mean, to me it's like we get to, we get to experience, see these kinds of things and go, wow, that's out there. I'm a non-judger, I believe, whatever you, whatever, hey, you know what, if you, if you have an orgasm.

Speaker 2: 24:03

If it turns you on, then you know, as long as, as long as everybody's consensual oh, I told you the guy, the other bdsm guy.

Speaker 1: 24:12

he liked the part talking of submissive and dom. He wanted pies thrown in his face by a female not by a man, but by a female. So he brought all the pies. He brought 12 of them because there was 12 of us girls in the class and now some of the girls didn't do it. So of course I just I didn't care, I wasn't getting turned on. I'm like I'm not getting turned on but, if you are okay, so he did and it was very it was cool to just see. Like, like I'm saying, like you said, people act like animals and it's everywhere. So quit the judging. It's between you and your partner. Don't be talking about it with your friends because they're going to judge you, but the two of you shouldn't be judging each other into trying to explore this area. That is actually such an amazing untapped discussion that people won't talk about.

Speaker 2: 25:07

So I love it. You know it really comes down to you, know it comes down to trusting your partner, because you do get to you know you, you develop that deeper bond. I mean really when it comes down to it.

Speaker 2: 25:19

Sex is playtime for you and your partner. When you were younger, you had playdates with your friends. You know this is your socialization, this is your font. You know, as we get older, you know we come into adults, we get new toys, but playtime can be a little bit different, and you know, but it's, but it's important. And the thing about playtime is it means and you know, but it's, but it's important. And the thing about playtime is it means you know to explore and to find, you know what makes you happy and do the things that make you happy. And sex, obviously, I feel like it makes everybody happy. They say most people, most people happy.

Speaker 1: 26:03

So the majority of people need sex and food. Okay, sex and food, yes, okay, that is just the reality of life. But we can. Only we're not talking about food properly right now already, and especially in our Western diet, and we can't even talk about sex. I mean, come on. So that's why we're doing this is because we're going to continue talking about sex everywhere, all the time, constantly. And Shiloh made a suggestion yesterday when I talked to her to go do lives at sex shops. So, just so you know, I did go and reach out to one of them already working on that, and I have two of them One that's fully full of amazing gear for men and then another one that's just more co-ed stuff. So I, you are right, let's do it, let's do it. Oh, fun, I love it, I love it, I love it. That's super fun. So because you know what? Then we get people that come in to the shops and they can have questions and they want to answer and or not, or they can see your camera, depending on how shy they are.

Speaker 1: 27:12

Yeah, but they it's like. I mean like I get questions constantly sent to me by and I know I'm getting some but I'm not answering them because I can't spend time looking at that and people don't want to pop on and do comments here because it shows on there that it's them and that's a very uncomfortable thing for a lot of people, and I know this and that's what a lot of people have been struggling with. To try have that I've reached out to me is like I'm sorry, I can't like your stuff, I can't follow you, I can't, and so I go, dude, don't even care. I see my insights, I know what's going on and I know that we live in a conservative world where people don't allow us to talk openly and honestly about sex, and it's purely stupid, purely stupid. So it's time for us to do this. So let's get back to BDSM. Sorry, I just wanted to preach to you.

Speaker 2: 28:06

Nope, I like it. I liked your little soapbox moment, thank you.

Speaker 1: 28:12

Soapbox, soapbox, okay. So what else do you want to say okay about? You said the discipline. I like that. We talked about the domination a little bit and submission, so talk a little bit more, because you did say that that does. There's no gender relation into that, and that is very true, right?

Speaker 2: 28:28

There is not right, it doesn't. You know, like when you're talking about especially you know, when you're talking about like submissive and dominant, you know, like I think that our mind automatically goes to that being a gender specific thing, like it has to be the man, that's the, that's the aggressive, and the female, that's the submissive. But that's not the case. I mean, it goes both ways. You know, there's a lot of female dominatrix out there that are punishing the guys that want to be punished, you know. And so here's the thing.

Speaker 1: 29:04

I think people think that BDSM is 50 shades of gray.

Speaker 2: 29:09

No, no, it is not. You know the nice thing I guess you know I will. I will say this about 50 shades of gray it was a fantastic tool to open up conversations about BDSM. That is what I will give. It Is that, you know, it made people interested and you know a little bit more vocal about like, oh, like, maybe we should try tying up, maybe we should try some of this stuff. But ultimately, 50 shades of gray is, it's not healthy, it does not depict a healthy relationship. You know the the whole. You know talking about boundaries. There was never a conversation. You know he gave her a contract and said here, this is what this is what you get to do. Like, that's not a conversation. You know, and it really created this on real. She signed it and she signed it.

Speaker 1: 30:12

But that's so, that's consensual.

Speaker 2: 30:13

I mean, it's a story, but here's the deal.

Speaker 1: 30:16

This does happen. This does type of you know, and so that's the thing is. You're right. We do need to make sure, though, that we're not entering into contracts that are truly not in our best interest, right.

Speaker 2: 30:28

And Fifty Shades of Grey also, you know, focused on this whole trauma filled past that he had, which you know. Bdsm does not necessarily need to be anything that has to do with trauma, it, doesn't it?

Speaker 1: 30:43

it it's not that it's really not, I think, because people think that you are whipping each other with whips and chains and there's whatever. That's kind of how I think people see it and all like not at all, and it can be. It can be whatever you want it to be Exactly. So, yeah, um, yeah, that's. I think a lot of people think that that's what it is and it's so, not so, it's not. And you can go from vanilla to as crazy as he did and and like I've seen, there's rooms in LA, um, where she um has it all set up for you to do teach you BDSM. I do, they're called it's a BDSM Airbnb. Yeah, it's, it's so cool and it's not. When I come to visit you, we're visiting.

Speaker 2: 31:40

San Francisco. Pardon me, when I come to see you, we're visiting San Francisco. Oh yeah, we'll go up there. You're going to be my, you're going to be my tour guide, and y'all can join us. We'll do some lives.

Speaker 1: 31:51

Oh, there we go we can do it, I love it, we can do it on the Golden Gate Bridge because we'll have we'll have Mophie Wi-Fi capability anywhere we go.

Speaker 2: 32:02

So yeah, yeah so that one watch for that.

Speaker 1: 32:07

You guys, when we go, when we go explore some stuff, right, that'll be fun, yeah, and then we're going to do it here in Joshua tree. So we're going to be at Joshua tree here. We'll go to Palm Springs. We're going to go do it by the Marilyn Monroe because she's going to be gone. So when you're here we'll, we'll go out and visit and explore and then we'll just pop in and do a live Boom, very nice we don't have, we don't have to do anything like too, too formal, you know, just really casual talk.

Speaker 2: 32:35

No, but let's get back to BDSM. So y'all know there's a little teaser for later.

Speaker 1: 32:39

Okay, go, go, okay. So what's the next?

Speaker 2: 33:02

So it's not 50 Shades of Grey. So, in your know, like well, that's like a control thing, and like they're trying to control you, and that's not at all what it is you are. You are giving up control voluntarily, voluntarily, voluntarily. You are not doing this because you are being forced to do it, right?

Speaker 1: 33:27

that is.

Speaker 2: 33:28

That is the difference. You know, there's there, it's not a trauma so you know there's, you know that's. I think that's definitely a huge misconception about it.

Speaker 1: 33:38

Um, probably and if a female gives up control, that doesn't mean that you're giving up every control. It's a sexual thing. It's because I like to be dominated so I like to be, so I like that kind of domination. But there's a place and a time and that's the fine line in a relationship that you have to communicate that part to, because otherwise I have seen it get out of control, because I do hang out with people who are very into the sexual world and do things and I can see how sometimes their relationship, that dominance, can roll over and then they just put each other in check. I've seen that, you know, because when you're really in sync with each other and really that connected, it is truly like that.

Speaker 2: 34:27

So yes, yes, yes, I agree, and you know, I see your point too. You know, when you mentioned that. You know. Actually, interestingly enough, people that are in like very high powered roles have a lot of responsibilities. They tend to like being dominated in the bedroom because it's somewhere and it it's, it's basically, you know. It kind of comes down to that psychological thing because they don't have to be in control, they can give it all of that up.

Speaker 1: 34:58

That was me, I was done. I was done. Yeah, exactly so.

Speaker 2: 35:03

I mean, it doesn't necessarily I mean so. I mean next time you're sitting in a meeting and you're, you know a little bit, you know, intimidated by boss man or whatever, just you know, picture him tied up, scruffling whatever. I mean, he might be that person.

Speaker 1: 35:19

You never know, you never know. Oh, you know.

Speaker 2: 35:24

it's funny because I mean we are picturing people in their underwear here I always picture people having sex or I always picture them doing.

Speaker 1: 35:32

You know, I just have, I have. I'm like I wonder if they like all that kind of you know crazy stuff like I like and um, but you can tell, you know, I can kind of tell when you're talking to people and things they do, you're like, oh, they like that, you know. So yeah, okay, so dominance. And then so one thing about the dominance it can swap, because I know a lot of men that like to be dominated.

Speaker 2: 36:03

Yeah, but then they also like to, and that's a switch. Yeah, they love the switch. That's a person that's known as a switch. If you go both ways, so to speak, then you can, and you can absolutely go both ways. You can be the person that likes to be dominated, but then you can also be the person that likes to dominate. They both have their place, that's awesome. Yes, everything is fluid. You know, that's the nice thing about BDSM. I mean, everything is fluid, everything is, you know, there's. You get to make your own rules.

Speaker 2: 36:36

Yeah, you get to decide what it is you like, what it is you don't like, you know, and you get to try new things. I mean, that's the other thing about BDSM Like you get to try whatever you and your partner want to try In a safe space, In a safe space With that trust.

Speaker 1: 36:55

That's the role in that space is to be safe. And I think let's just talk about that, Because you know what I was thinking when you were saying this. I'm like, I think a lot of people think that when we start exploring, or people who explore, that it's an unsafe space when they explore. And I'm going to tell you right now that is not true. So when you want to do threesomes, you want to do swinging, you want to do going to, you know, sex parties, all of that stuff, they have rules and they have they are very strict.

Speaker 2: 37:35

Oh, yes, and they tell you what. They are very, very enforced.

Speaker 1: 37:39

So here's the thing. That's why I explored so much, because it was such a safe space it is, and I always was with either a girlfriend or girlfriends or my partner, but I never felt like I was going. I've never been raped Right, I've never had any unconsensual anything happen to me, nobody touches you, you don't have to worry about being touched inappropriately.

Speaker 2: 38:05

Nobody accidentally grabs your ass.

Speaker 1: 38:08

One time. Somebody touched me One time Because I was somewhere. He touched my leg and I said don't touch me. And he actually just my words like that. He got kicked out of that room and he was made he, he was scolded by the bodyguard and that's that. So that's why I'm saying it's like these are really safe spaces to explore.

Speaker 2: 38:33

You want to go check out a sex club or you want to check out somebody? Yes, they are very, very safe and a great place to get started with the you know, with the lifestyle. To be honest, if you're, if you're curious, it is yeah, very you know yes, even hotels.

Speaker 1: 38:49

I don't know about where you live, but because I live in the crazy world of California, we have now in Palm Springs we have swinging hotels, okay. So the hotel is swinging, it is couples and single women only.

Speaker 2: 39:09

So is that like a resort? I mean because I know like there's, you know there's swingers resorts and such yeah it's a resort, so it's all inclusive.

Speaker 1: 39:15

And then they have rules Like if your door's, yeah, it's a resort, so it's all inclusive. And then they have rules Like if your door's open, it's this. If your door's closed, if you want them to come in, there's all these rules that they have. So there's places everywhere. Vegas has them everything. So if you want to explore and do things, you can.

Speaker 2: 39:34

And it will be safe. And here's the thing too here and do things you can, and it will be safe. And here's the thing too. Here's a fun little fact. Generally speaking, ladies, you're in charge.

Speaker 1: 39:43

Yeah, right, you get to make all the decisions.

Speaker 2: 39:47

The ladies run this show. Yes, ladies run this. This is not a men make the rules kind of thing. This is a ladies make the rules kind of thing. This is a ladies make the rules kind of thing.

Speaker 1: 39:59

That is right, Yep, exactly yeah yeah, very much, very much.

Speaker 2: 40:05

the ladies make the rules.

Speaker 1: 40:06

Right, exactly, and just so. I mean, I have 30-year-olds calling me and saying you know, I'm thinking I'd like to do a little tie up and I'm like you're just doing it now. Oh, my, my love, let's get you going. Get going on it sooner than later. Enjoy, try it, test it out. I mean playing in the bedroom. That's the whole. Goal is to play with your friend who's now your partner in life. And you know, if you don't play, it deepens your bond.

Speaker 2: 40:44

Yeah, it deepens the trust that you have with each other. It deepens the bond that you have. I mean, you know, to know that you can trust them in this and be like super vulnerable in these very intimate positions and in scenes like it. Just it really does strengthen your relationship?

Speaker 1: 41:04

yes, and it doesn't, and doesn't put a lot of trust and the outcome doesn't have to have an orgasm. The outcome doesn't need to be an orgasm. The outcome doesn't need to be an orgasm. In fact, BDSM is actually better with that anticipation, the buildup of oh I'm going to, you can't do this, or you can't do that, or I'm going to tie you up tonight or whatever it is and it play with you and you don't get anything the rest of the night and then you have to wait till the next day.

Speaker 1: 41:35

I mean, that's part of it and it is fun when you do build up. Instead of men who think that they need to release daily perks, you need to do a build up and, boy, that release will be way different than anything else. Okay, One other thing I wanted to say um, because you brought up the BDSM, um, uh test that people could take so they could find out Okay cool, so I'm going to post it though on the, on the link in my bio, and I'm also going to suggest Msaya J-A-I-Y-A I am saying it right, I'm just spelling it so you can go.

Speaker 1: 42:22

She has an erotic blueprint that she developed and it was 20 years making and you can go find that out as well, and that helps you as well in that connection, to find out your eroticism, what kind of kink you like and all of that, and then you do it with your partner. Then you can really get understand your BDSM kink, your erotic kink, and kind of put those puzzle pieces together to help each other out, because that's the goal is to work out each other's fantasies and have some fun.

Speaker 2: 42:55

Absolutely, absolutely. You're supposed to have fun. You need to have fun. That's the sex is having fun. Yeah, it should never be, you know, once it becomes not fun and you're not with the right partner.

Speaker 1: 43:06

I want to change my name to fun. I'm just kidding. Um, I always tell everyone I'm kidding. I always tell everyone my name is F? U? N. My name is F-U-N. Say what I? Just because I love to have fun and I do, I love to have fun. Okay, so let's see Any last minute stuff on this. My love that you want to you want to.

Speaker 2: 43:48

Oh, let's talk about aftercare. Aftercare is very, very important. So the biggest thing about BDSM is you are pushing your boundaries in many, many, many ways and aftercare is essential to just. You know it's cuddling, it's, you know, talking, you know it's talking to each other, it's just having that, it's, it's the snuggling after sex y'all. It has to happen, it has to, it has to happen and the check-in, the check-in about what happens.

Speaker 1: 44:09

Yes.

Speaker 2: 44:09

It's how you're feeling. You want to talk about it. You want to talk about what was done. You want to, you want to have that conversation, you know, to make it better for next time, but also to just, you know, make sure, you know you're deepening that bond. You know you just did something that was outside of your, you know, outside of your norm, you know that you were pushing, you know that you were pushing. The fears were, you know you're pushing all the limits that you have and so, having that person, you know afterwards, okay, now let's take it down, let's talk about it, let me, let me kiss you a little bit extra, let me snuggle with you, hug you, whatever you need, just to make sure that you are being taken care of emotionally, physically, just you know all of it.

Speaker 1: 44:55

It's important, and here's the thing. Just, you know all of it. It's important, and here's the thing, and and the reason why and you can attest to this too I'm assuming, because we both have been out there and have done it that that check-in is to what did I like, what didn't I like and what do we need to do better next time, because nothing's going to be a hundred percent and each time is going to be different and it's going to get better and better. Um, and I don't suggest doing everything all at once and tie up and let's do anal at the same time and let's do this. Let's not be over.

Speaker 2: 45:33

You know, what you don't do, what you're comfortable with. You know, yeah, you don't have to start everything at one time, but you don't do what you're comfortable with. You know, yeah, you don't have to start everything at one time, but you don't do what you're comfortable with. You know add in. You know add in something. You know different each time. You know put a little twist on it. But, like you said, you know you're going to talk about it and you're going to make it better.

Speaker 1: 45:47

Yeah, and that is part of that aftercare is.

Speaker 2: 45:49

You know you're talking, didn't feel good. What do you ever, ever, ever want to do again? I mean, you have that safe word, so you know, if you get to that point of something that you don't like, you definitely should be using the safe word, because that could that ends. I'll play immediately, just so you know. The safe word is like the auto eject out of a plane, like you hit it.

Speaker 2: 46:10

You're gone like it's done, so just you know. So just keep that in mind. But it's talking, you know. But aftercare just includes that. You know, it's talking. It's just that. Extra, extra love.

Speaker 1: 46:24

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love it.

Speaker 2: 46:25

You out with that whole little security blanket.

Speaker 1: 46:28

Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2: 46:30

To bring you back into you, know, to bring you back to you.

Speaker 1: 46:32

So yeah, yeah, no, it's so true. You so yeah, yeah, no, it's so true. And um, you know, I just want to say for those that think, oh my gosh, I don't have the money to do this kind of stuff, that's not. Let me be really clear. You can use bed sheets. You can use your dish towels get some towels, rip it up, cut them up. Or dish towels get some towels, rip it up, cut them up. I don't care. There are so many things that you can do and people go, oh well, I don't have bedposts, I need bedposts. Okay, listen, you can tie up, put the bed underneath, run it through, run two through, tie it through. You don't need bedposts. Get creative, Get online it through. You don't need bedposts. Get creative, Get online, Look at ways to do tie up. But you don't need you can use things in your household.

Speaker 2: 47:24

You can. Yes, people get very. You can get very, very creative. And you're absolutely right, you really don't need a lot to get started. It's not hard to create a blindfold. You can create a blindfold with any piece of fabric, yes, and you can create tie ups with any piece of fabric, exactly so, boom, you got an automatic BDSM little scene right there with just random pieces of fabric that you have laying around, whether it be a shirt or a tie or Exactly. Yes or a scarf.

Speaker 1: 47:56

You know, women have scarves.

Speaker 2: 47:59

You know what there are are? Yes, we have so many different we have, we can do this for a while we can look around and be like and I could use that, and I could use that and maybe that.

Speaker 1: 48:07

So I've used um my cell phone chargers my long ones yeah, hey, hey, it worked, it it works.

Speaker 2: 48:16

It works.

Speaker 1: 48:18

Another thing if they're going to have someone tied up, this is really fun. Okay, if you're going to tie them up, do get some fun things to tickle them, like a feather or you know, and I like to get a whip and a little smackity smack, I mean, I feel like the whole point of being tied up.

Speaker 2: 48:35

I mean you get to do stuff to your partner that you, that they don't, that they can't stop you from unless they say it before. So I mean you know, sky's the limit. You know, pull out the feathers, pull out the whips, pull out the whipped cream, just don't put it, you know, down there, because you know, sugars and vaginal juices or whatever are not good. That causes infections y'all.

Speaker 1: 48:56

No bueno.

Speaker 2: 48:58

I mean, you know those feathers and candle, you know wax, hot wax.

Speaker 1: 49:04

Yep hot wax, Get paint you can paint.

Speaker 2: 49:06

Yes, there's so many, you can do a whole paint. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 49:09

So here's a good one. They could go watch Sex, love and Goop that's a great Netflix series to get some more ideas. That whole series I just really loved and I've been watching it. I know we've been talking about it and I just feel like the more that people do things together, watch Netflix movies like that, watch videos like us, get out there and explore a little bit themselves, their relationship will deepen. And I'm really seeing that people are not having very deep relations because they're not having sex and they're just dealing with the day-to-day lives. And it's time to spruce it up and get, get things moving and, you know, so we can have better relations with our partner forever, not for just a time or whatever Right.

Speaker 2: 50:05

So well, and I would say you know, and you know my specialty. You know I'm all about loving yourself, so my goal is to help women love themselves properly. So, ladies, if you're struggling with loving yourself, I'm here for you. I would love to help you. You know I'm here, and that's right, cause we don't know how to love ourselves. We don't. We're terrible about it.

Speaker 2: 50:25

No, we put everybody first, and then we've been shamed forever around our sexuality so we don't even know and we're bombarded with information and there's so much wrong information out here. So I love doing this with you so that we can talk about these different terms and we can talk about how you know what they actually are and you know, give people good information.

Speaker 1: 50:47

Yeah and honest and and yeah and about the coaching. Here's the thing If you're not spending money on yourself coaching, you know, getting some kind of coaching or self-help either yearly, it doesn't have to be a lot, it could be just something You're doing it wrong, honestly. I'm telling you, I've benefited from all the coaching in my years of life and you're right, a coach pushes you in different ways that you can't push yourself. And I have a coach during this process that I'm doing and I have to. I mean, and I've not just had one coach, I've had a few different ones, they've all provided me different ones. I just met another lady last night. I'm going to hire her. We're going to work together.

Speaker 1: 51:39

I know we all need help and if you're not spending money on yourself with some kind of coaching, then you're doing yourself a disservice, honestly, and your relationship and the people around you, because you will just better and do be doing the things that you want to do. And so I know that they can go to you're on my link in my bio. They can go to there, they can book an appointment, whatnot, and ladies, all of this stuff. Now we've got so many payment option type things clarna, a firm all these things. So when everyone's oh my god, I don't have money, yeah, you do, you do. You just have to put that aside.

Speaker 2: 52:27

yes, and you know, and I will say you know that you know, when it comes to coaching, you know the idea, the, the goal behind coaching is to make you better and, with you know, loving your o, like that's what I like to call it I'm, I'm the love your o. So you know it's basically, you're become better in all areas of your life, it's not just one.

Speaker 2: 52:50

You don't just, you know, this isn't designed so that you just become great in the bedroom like, yay, I, yay, I want you to know yourself Absolutely, but it spreads, yeah, it spreads everywhere, when you become empowered sexually, oh my God. Like it's, it's basically it shows, it unleashes this whole different level for you. Yeah 100%.

Speaker 1: 53:13

And I want to say this I really I have people say when I lose weight, I'll get coaching, when I have done X, I'll get coaching. Here's the thing. Okay, you don't need to lose weight to find yourself sexually. You will find yourself sexually, and I will trust you that you will lose weight because of the swag that you will have after finding yourself sexually.

Speaker 2: 53:50

Yes, and I mean and you know, and to your point, I mean you know, you, everyone should learn how to love themselves where they are. You know, like you said, you know you don't have to wait, you know, to lose weight to have sex At the same time, you don't have to lose weight to love yourself. No, this should not be like you need to be thinking, you know. Basically, people need to think, be thankful for their bodies every day. Yeah, Because your body allows you to do everything that you need to do.

Speaker 1: 54:23

Yeah. Yeah, I mean you know, it's in your body like it's doing a lot for you.

Speaker 2: 54:29

regardless of what it looks like and how much you criticize it, it is doing what it is supposed to be doing for you.

Speaker 1: 54:35

And what you're doing for it. So if you're eating shitty, it's going to look shitty. If you're not exercising, it's not going to look like you're exercising. So and I only know this because I only started my exercise and eating routine only a year ago and because I was, like probably everyone else, that I thought, oh, I'm just, you know, this is just the way it is. But I informed myself and it's not so, and since then I have lost weight and I do feel better, and I know that everyone else can do the same. It's just it does, it's not, doesn't happen overnight, I think, people, it'll go like this and it doesn't Remember.

Speaker 1: 55:16

If it took you 30 years to make your body look like crap, it's going to take you a few years to get back out of that and you don't want to be doing it in one year because you want to be doing it healthily. So, just, and the reason why I use that model I used to tell my doctors they would get me in there as a consultant and go, oh, can you fix this? I mean, can you fix my office? It's a mess, it's a shit show. Yes, it's a big shit show. So how long has it been like this, oh, the last. You know it got really worse last two years, but 10 years, oh, okay. Well, can you get this done in like what? 90 days? No, this is going to be a two-year process. I'm sorry. I mean we're going to have to work out the kinks and it'll all get flowing, but yeah, it's going to be a process, sorry. So we are such immediate, we have to have immediate satisfaction. It just doesn't work like that.

Speaker 2: 56:12

Yes, remember, we're a very good now society.

Speaker 1: 56:16

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 56:16

So we could go on and on.

Speaker 1: 56:18

Yes, so I love talking to you, though, and I love it, but I'm like it's 55 minutes and I'm wondering like people are like get off, get off. No, I'm just kidding.

Speaker 2: 56:30

Wait, did y'all get off?

Speaker 1: 56:33

Sorry, that's a good one, thank you.

Speaker 2: 56:38

Thank you.

Speaker 1: 56:39

So let me just do a little plug. I have a podcast. This will go up in our live, in our streams, so you can go and rewatch this as many times as you want and laugh with us. Shiloh and I are back here every Tuesday at 10 am Pacific Standard Time. Shiloh and I are back here every Tuesday at 10 am Pacific Standard Time. We're working on our trivia, our sex trivia, and that should come out sometime in April. We're looking forward to that. And then this Thursday, please join me for not a live podcast, it's a prerecorded podcast and it's a Fitbit for the penis. That's right. It's a cock changer, not a game changer. A cock changer Wow, that's exciting. Yeah, yeah, it's exciting. Oh, I, I'm so excited about this product because it's measuring men's sexual health with their cardiac health, and you and I both know that sexless because we did our dead bedroom series. We know that there's a lot of dead bedrooms and some of it has to do with health issues. So this is really cool that we can get down to the bottom of this.

Speaker 2: 57:53

Absolutely, that's going to be very exciting. I look forward to hearing it.

Speaker 1: 57:57

Yeah, and I, I, and this is great, because next week we're going to do c. I don't know what we're doing. Do we know we're?

Speaker 2: 58:02

doing. Oh, actually we are doing um the most fabulous c word, clitoris, the clitoris switch oh that's fun fact, do you know that 2005,. 2005 is when they actually became like they actually had like a full-size scale made of the clitoris Get out. I know I saw that. I was like wow, Just in 2005. Yeah, that was on the Goop series. I actually watched when I was watching the Goop series.

Speaker 1: 58:32

I saw that when she pulled the whole series.

Speaker 2: 58:39

I saw that she was like, it was like 2005. And I mean, I know that it's been 30 years since they, you know, discovered like the clitoral, like just that. The clitoris is more than just the little teeny, tiny knob in the front. You see, it's all internal, y'all.

Speaker 1: 58:49

It's all internal and it's yeah it's a big web when I saw it. Yeah, we're going to talk about it next week. We're going to have a whole conversation about it. It's a big web. When I saw it.

Speaker 2: 58:54

Yeah, we're going to talk about it next week. We're going to have a whole conversation about it. It's going to be fun.

Speaker 1: 58:59

I love it. I love it, I love it, okay, and so I did post. I will post the links in my Reddit. I'll post the links on my links. All the stuff that you've talked about, all the stuff I've talked about. It's it All right? Thanks for joining me, shiloh.

Speaker 2: 59:17

Have a great one, bye.

Speaker 1: 59:19

Bye.